


Small Madnesses

by anarchycox



Series: Anarchycox's 2019 Personal Writing Challenge [26]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Demons, Friendship, M/M, a very brief reference to past rape of a character, confused demons, drunk demons, figuring out relationships, harry and percival move closer to dating, humans are confusing, merlin and eggsy are finding their way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-15 00:13:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20609690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Merlin wants Harry's help in figuring out how to approach Eggsy about moving their relationship towards one that also involves sex. There are awkward conversations and a great deal of alcohol.





	Small Madnesses

“Harry?”

“Stand still, I’d like these trousers to actually fit you,” Harry said around the pins in his mouth. He had the wrist cushion, but he liked the feel of those thin bits of metal along his lip. Cool, firm, it was a lovely tactile sensation. “You have such weird human legs,” he added.

“They seem fine.”

“They are lean, almost oddly so. Like a praying mantis or something.” Harry shook his head, and pinned the pants. “Going bit of slim cut, because Eggsy lusts after your bizarre human form. Might as well make him happy.” 

“That is what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Eggsy’s confounding fascination with you? I don’t understand it. Can’t help you there.” Harry put one last pin in. “Right, step out carefully.”

Merlin was soon down to his boxer briefs and vest. He looked down at his legs. “Are they that bad? My regular form, the legs are in fact more praying mantis like, all the weird bends. This is how they manifested.”

“They are fine,” Harry reassured him. “Muscled, a reasonable amount of hair. I tease, but your human form is sexually attractive. If I didn’t know you since before time existed, I’d fuck you.”

Merlin smiled. “Thank you, Harry, I appreciate that.” He hugged the man, and then pulled down his boxer briefs. “And in the spirit of that friendship, assess my dick.”

Harry turned around but the mirror was right there, reflecting Merlin’s cock. “Pull up your pants. Are you a heathen?”

They both went quiet at that. “That is an interesting question,” Merlin said, as he most certainly did not pull up his pants. “Are we in fact heathens? Because we believe in God, they a dick. Which in fact brings us back to my question. How is mine?” Merlin looked down at it, and poked it. “Your sexual form has a larger one.”

“Of course it does, it was created to entice and arose and make been dream. I feed off the emotions in the ether created by wank fantasies as much as I do the actual fucking.” Harry looked at it. “It is a cock. Cut, lists a bit left, reasonable soft size. Nope,” Harry said as Merlin reached for it. “No, I do not need to see you at full attention.”

“Maybe something weird happens with it at full arousal. Never had to deal with a human form in that state before.”

“I do not care, save that show for Eggsy and pull up your bloody pants.” Harry went to the wall, and opened a decorative book, removed the flask hidden inside. He took a very hefty swallow, and then another. “Why aren’t you saving that show for Eggsy?”

“He does not seem interested? I have made sexual overtures, and had very little response. But since we started being a couple his pornography watching has increased and he is also taking care of himself in the shower more.”

Harry drained the flask, carefully put it away, and opened the book next to it that had the bigger flask. “I am very scared to ask - but what was the nature of your sexual overtures?”

“I held his hand, and kissed it.”

Harry waited, and when Merlin stayed smiling proudly, returned that flask and got out the full bottle of whisky hiding in the complete Shakespeare. “And?”

“I let him win Fifa.” Merlin nodded. 

“While naked?”

“Who plays video games naked?”

“Who plays video games?” Harry countered. He was drinking straight from the bottle. “You read anywhere from 1-5 romance novels in a day. I feel that you should be able to extrapolate and apply.”

“Historical novels usually have marriage first. So their flirtations and innuendo are not applicable since Eggsy has not asked me to marry him.”

“You could ask him?”

“It seems wrong to marry him for sex.” Merlin was clearly thinking about it. “No, that is plan c. I feel we have to have a few viable options before that.”

“Eggsy, I would like us to have sex. Preferably now,” Harry said. “There, that is plan a. You say that. All problems solved.” Harry watched him, and sighed. “Merlin?”

Merlin took the bottle. “What if he likes me, but doesn’t want me?”

“I have seen him stare at you. He wants you,” Harry promised. “You two have been together how long?”

“6 weeks and 2 days.”

“Specific.”

“Romantic.”

“You might have to talk to him about this. And if my suggested conversation starter doesn’t work, draw your fingers slowly up his arm and bury your fingers in his hair. Lean in, smile at him. Toy with the ends of his hair. It is an intimate touch but not overwhelming. And suggest perhaps that you could enjoy more in bed than just spooning, that you are curious how his skin feels under your fingertips, that you want to map his body, a cartographer of Eggsy.”

“Oh, that sounds like something from my books.”

“We discussed why historicals don’t help you, but why not modern ones?” Harry passed him the bottle of whisky, and they sat on the floor of the dressing room. Harry thought he had another appointment, but it was all getting a bit fuzzy. He didn’t think had fed his form today. 

“They often have an instant attraction. We did not, so those one are all predicated on the oh no he’s hot I want to jump him. I didn’t fully understand that Eggsy was attractive for a while. That damn pure soul sort of blinded the physical form.”

“Not all romances are instant attraction.”

“True many involve initial bickering, which we had, but they also then have the we are arguing and now we are kissing and the sexual tension of the last 100 pages goes kaboom. We don’t have a kaboom.”

“Not even a ka?”

“No ka, no boom, just...I want, Harry, that’s never happened in this form before.” Merlin drank, and passed the bottle back. “He makes me yearn. For more, for everything he will give me, for everything I can give him.”

“That is what you tell him, Merlin,” Harry said. He looked at the bottle, that they had drained. “Hmm, why is this hitting me more than it should?”

Merlin looked at it. “Oh, that. I replaced it with fae whisky. Gets us as drunk as a human would on normal stuff. I can’t feel my toes.”

“I like,” Harry nodded. “Sad now. Bottle dry.” He giggled a bit, fae alcohol always hit him hard. “I know let’s write a letter to Eggsy in it. A message in a bottle asking him for sex. Launch it in the Thames see if it finds him!”

“Would that work?”

“No! But imagine who does find it, they’ll have a fun story. Humans need more fun. Have you noticed how grim they are. I think it is the Birkenstocks. Should I make that one of my goals while I am here? Tailor good clothes, fuck a lot, get Percival to love me, get you laid, and remove Birkenstocks from all existence.”

“I bought a pair, they are really comfortable, but I do feel a wee bit depressed when I wear them. Shit, Harry did we make Birkenstocks?”

Harry hit him. “You bite your tongue, we would never. We have goddamn style. His side, suffering brings people closer to him or something, I don’t know. We are ending Birkenstocks, Merlin.” He raised the bottle which had magically refilled. “I love fairies.”

“We are currently at sixes and sevens to a slight kidnapping Daisy incident, good to know the booze magic is holding.”

“Does Eggsy know about that?”

“He does not,” Merlin said firmly.

“You can’t lie to him! You actually commented yes when he was worried about a pair of jeans making his thighs look too thick.”

“He has never specifically asked me on a day that you were babysitting was my sister kidnapped by the unseelie court and almost made their princess, so I have managed to skirt the issue.” Merlin took a pull from the bottle. “I will never get laid if he finds out about that.”

“You will not.” They passed the bottle back and forth. “He does want you, I have no idea why he hasn’t jumped you.”

“I do have questions. Because I watched ‘realistic porn’ and I still feel it was unrealistic.”

“Are we going to have sex ed, right now on the floor of my shop while completely pissed on fae whisky?”

“Do you want to do this sober?”

“That is a fair point. Right,” Harry looked around the room. “Hmmm, no nothing in here. Come on.” Harry stood up and helped Merlin up as well. Clutching the whisky bottle, and Merlin they stumbled into the shop. Eggsy was talking to Percival at the main table.

“Hello, Percival, you’ll look especially heartbreaking today,” Harry said cheerfully. “Will you smile at me today? That is always extra heartbreaking.”

“It’s true, he calls me and whines for an hour. Can I store more books at your house?” Merlin hiccuped. “Your friendly ghost will like them. Your more acerbic one can tut tut over the lack of lesbian erotica in the stack.”

“There are no ghosts. And we had an appointment?” Percival held up the biscotti and lattes.

“Are you two pissed?” Eggsy looked at them and at the whisky bottle. He went over and took it. Harry tried to reach for it, and Eggsy easily batted him away. Eggsy took a sniff and blinked. “I was a sailor once. Climbed the mast as quick as any, ever. Loved the view up there.” He went to sniff again, and Harry quickly took the bottle away. 

“Not for humans,” Harry hissed. He clutched the bottle. “Careful.”

“It won’t kill, you just will wish it would,” Merlin explained. “Percival?”

“Yes?"

“Why haven’t you asked Harry out?”

“What are you doing?” Harry kicked him.

“I am helping, like you helped me, even if you wouldn’t fully assess my dick.”

“Excuse me?” Percival took a step back.

“Trust me, that does not mean what you think,” Eggsy said. 

“You tried helping already,” Harry pointed out, “And he never did anything. Clearly he doesn’t want to date me. I am fine with him breaking my heart every time I see him. He’s done it for a couple years now, I find the feeling comforting.”

Merlin started to cry a bit. “I don’t want you to be sad. It’s the plague all over again!” He leaned against Harry and hugged. “Eggsy and I can fall in love with you? I mean I could try to think of you romantically? Humans kink brothers together, we could maybe try?”

“Haha, isn’t their drunk talk silly?” Eggsy said. He glared at them, but they were so sloshed they didn’t notice.

“I love that you don’t want me sad.”

“One of the reasons I jumped - you were love and you were so sad. It was wrong.” Merlin was clearly trying to glare at Percival but couldn’t focus on the man. “Harry’s chest cavity doesn’t have a heart really, more this just gelatinous cording that binds his scales and sinew together, but it would beat in time with your heart, if it beat. It more shimmies than anything else. But that’s close to a beat.”

“Oh my fucking -” Eggsy began.

“Don’t,” Harry and Merlin both shouted. “You never evoke his name in here, he might notice us!” Harry added.

“God,” Eggsy finished, and flipped them off.

The lights flickered, and the whole building seemed to shiver.

“Fuck off, out of my space thank you very much, or this time I won’t lose. Try me on my field, you fucking wankers and see how it goes!” Harry shouted, and the building returned to normal. “Not in my fucking house,” he muttered. He looked at Percival. “Why did we have an appointment? I just saw you a bit ago. Suit. No, waistcoat?”

“Trousers,” Eggsy said helpfully.

“Yes, yes,” Harry looked at him. “You had a hair cut. You also smell nice, doesn’t he smell nice, Merlin?”

Merlin shrugged and went over and sniffed him. “He smells like Percival. Like profound faith, unwavering loyalty, fierce intelligence, three secrets buried deep, and...butterscotch.” Merlin went back to Harry. “Your human form smells like alcohol, and lust, cravenness, elegance, and bergamot.”

“Baby, I gotta know,” Eggsy said after a moment of heavy silence in the shop.

Merlin went over, and ran his nose along Eggsy’s jaw. “Hope. Quiet sadness, soft joys, determination. Chaotic kindness. And fairy floss.”

“That is...an interesting parlour trick. I should perhaps come back another time.”

“Yay, future heartbreak. I’ll even throw in some free cufflinks,” Harry offered and took a swig from the bottle. “I am going to need fish and chips soon.”

“I want greasy pizza. There is a place near our house. Nooooo, Chinese. I want spicy noodles.” Merlin giggled. “Eggsy will you be my spicy noodle?”

“I’m going to make coffee.” Eggsy steered Merlin to a seat. “I want you to stay there unless you need to piss or vomit. Promise, baby?”

“Promise,” Merlin looked at him. “Sick is likely, this human form has a very sensitive gag reflex. Is this why you don’t want to shag, because I feel unlikely to be capable of deep throating?”

“What?” Eggsy looked at him lost. “I want to shag you.”

“You do, okay, hold on, I think I can get my cock working.”

“Dressing room three!” Harry shouted. “That is the fucking dressing room.”

“Since when?”

“Since Chester’s friends always used that one to rape me,” Harry said. 

“I don’t want sex now,” Merlin replied.

“I am so sorry, Kushiel, I didn’t mean to turn you off,” Harry started to cry. “You should have sex! I am sorry I ruined that.”

“I’m sorry he kept you and hurt you, and I couldn’t find you. I looked, I never stopped looking, even when everyone said it was just vacation. You would have said goodbye to me.”

“Of course I would have,” Harry said. “You are everything. Even more than the boss, there is you. From before until after.”

They went to each other, and were hugging and crying, and dropped the bottle which just seemed to disappear.

Percival stepped around them and over to Eggsy. “They need sobering up.”

“No fucking shit.”

“Merlin’s real name is Kushiel? Interesting.”

“Really isn’t,” Eggys sighed. “Fuck me, I need to close the shop. They are a mess. And I think it might be my fault.”

“How? Did you hold the bottle to their lips?” Percival looked at them. “Are they singing in...I don’t even know that language.”

“Who knows.” Eggsy went and locked the front door, turned off several of the lights. “Upstairs you two,” he said. “I’m going to sort this out.”

“You should let me out,” Percival suggested. “I’ll rebook.”

“Yeah, no you are helping me get them upstairs to Harry’s office.” Eggsy went over, and began to nudge them. “Come on you two, you can be soppy messes upstairs. And Harry, no one is ever having sex in dressing room three. That is a toxic space. Why we tend to see mostly arseholes in there.”

“I was hoping Percival would one day shag me there, reclaim the space for good.”

“Hehehehehe, for good,” Merlin laughed. “You good. Best joke ever.”

“Moving forward. Percival you are going last, so that if one falls on the stairs someone is catching them.”

“I am not -”

“Look mate, I get you and Harry have a weird thing going on, maybe you like it maybe you don’t, but right now that is put aside because our demons need us, you get me?” Eggsy’s voice was sharp, firm, and Percival nodded.

They finally got them to the office, and Eggsy sighed when the drunk demons collapsed on the couch. The language they were speaking was old enough it was wrong that it was remembered. 

“I didn’t know I was breaking his heart,” Percival whispered watching Harry curl into Merlin, and Merlin wrap his arms around him. “I was taking it slow. He had been so hurt. I was waiting for him to come to me. I would have waited as long as he needs.”

“Bruv, he needs you,” Eggsy went to a chest and pulled out a blanket. He lay it over them gently. “Have you ever been in love?”

“No, but I have see true love, a love that was everything. It is beautiful and terrifying. So infinitely complex and infinitely simple.”

“Here’s my theory,” Eggsy said. “Love is a goddamn toblerone bar. An odd shape, doesn’t fit with everything else, even as it has the pieces of everything else in it. Peaks and valleys, but all bound together. Can break a fucking tooth on it, but if you just let it rest, let it be, it melts and seeps into you, and you realize just how goddamn happy you are. That’s how he makes me feel.”

“I can see a path that makes me feel that way towards Harry.”

“So, asking him out on a fucking date,” Eggsy said.

Harry looked up. “Yes, please?”

Percival went over, and ran a soft hand over Harry’s hair. “When you are sober, I will ask you out to dinner.”

“Eggsy is coming along to chaperone.”

“I do not mind.”

“Okay, I’m going to fall asleep now,” Harry yawned, and curled into Merlin until he was ball that was soon snoring.

Merlin looked at Eggsy. “Have we not shagged, because in your pornography viewing you have a strong preference for Daddy kink? I am fine with that.”

“Well, isn’t that good to know in front of a client,” Eggsy shook his head. “Baby, time for you to pass out too, okay?”

“Okay, just tell me when is the correct time to call you Daddy in bed, and I will comply.” Merlin rested his head as well and was out.

“Do I laugh at you, or give you a sympathetic pat on the shoulder?” Percival asked.

“I...he just in one sentence ruined a huge swath of porn for me. How did he? I just...he can never say Daddy ever again.” Eggsy was numb and appreciated the shoulder pat that Percival gave him. “Well this has been a goddamn day. You want some free clothes?”

“I couldn’t.”

“Fuck Harry for getting drunk on work time. Let’s get you some shirts or something.” Eggsy headed downstairs. “Ugh, when Merlin is sober we have to have a relationship conversation. That’s going to go great.”

Percival went and smoothed Harry’s hair once more before going after Eggsy.

“He is going to ask me out.”

“I think we are going to have sex.”

“Go us.”

“Go us.”

This time they really did pass out.


End file.
